I'm still trying to figure out where the heck the actual time went from when my daughter Graci started Kindergarten to where she graduated college!? It's a very nostalgic time for many and I do love seeing all the back to school posts on socials; the excitement in the kids smiles, the fear in their eyes of the unknown territory, and the joy of the parents trying to get back to the routine of life without the kiddos needing them each and every day.
What would I give to be there again? If I'm being honest, nothing. I don't want to go back to that phase in my life (I'll wait for the grandkids phase now). I loved watching my daughter go to school every year, excelling each grade as she grew. I loved her college phase as well and how she became a young lady and learned life lessons and how to LIVE life. Today when all the kids from pre-k to college are starting, I am actually front and center of my daughter starting her "big" girl job in the world. She is also in a sense, learning as she has 14 weeks of training before her actual job begins. I love watching her mind shift to the reality of a new life and a new career. The excitement of making money and getting ready to move out on her own, paying for her first apartment, making car payments; this is what we are to do, is raise our kids to be independent, safe, excel in the "adult" world, and live fully!
I will be honest though, this revelation and the social posts I see come with a heavy heart. It reminds me of what I also am missing out on. My son Garret didn't get to go to school at all, he died at age 1 years old. He never got to pick out the back pack, he didn't get to take a lunch, pick a sport, meet a teacher, make any real life friends, or grow as I had intended him to do. God had other plans for my son and I have to truly lean into knowing that since the day that Garret died, that God has had his hand on my heart and held me through each of these yearly seasons of life seeing the back to school pictures, the happy kids, and the start of so many new journeys. Sometimes I allow myself to feel the sadness, the it's not fair situation, or the lack of wanting to be happy for others. And you know what? That is okay for me to do that because I know how to manage my grief through this journey and I also know that me laying my feelings out, that God does have me and he is with me always.
What if you don't believe in God and you blame him? That is okay too, you are allowed that feeling and I would hope that you believe that your child is protected and is watching over you and guiding you through the journey of life without them. You are maybe strong because you journal a lot, maybe it's because you service in other ways to help people, maybe you get through it by volunteering at the school, and maybe you will believe in the presence of God someday again.
But know that it's okay to feel both the joy for others and the pain for yourself. You can take this time to honor your child in a way that feels right for you—perhaps by creating a small ritual, like lighting a candle, buying school supplies for other children, going for a nature hike, or writing a letter to them. I have actually done this writing to my son Garret and telling him how I feel about his absence and school starting. Remember, it's not about forgetting, but about finding ways to carry their memory with you as you navigate the ever evolving changes of life.
I am proud to have been Garret's mommy and I know I'm super proud and really impressed with my daughter Graci; see she's a mini me. She has also journeyed through ALL these losses of her brother, her daddy, her uncle, her aunt, and her grandpa. She has never let the grief define how she has learned or grown. She's never taken her grief and used it in a "woe is me way". She's earned her degree, she's worked hard to get a great career, and she's living each day as she knows how because she is also being carried and guided on this road of life.
I do wonder some days what my Garret would be doing today. He would be a HS graduate and probably going to college? Maybe going into the trade industry? Maybe a baseball player? I love that I can dream up anything for him because I know without a doubt, he would have been raised very lovingly and known that he had the support to do anything and be anything he wanted. And if I'm being honest, I think he would have been in sales just like his daddy was.
Thank you for those that share their kids back to school photos, it brings a joy to me that I never take for granted. It used to make my heart skip a beat, sometimes my soul to drop to my knees, and my mind to play crazy tricks on me. I guess now that I am 52 years old and I don't have a kid going back to school, I think I've crossed that mindset that it truly is "all good".
As this nostalgic back to school blog ends, I truly believe in the community of TOGETHER WE ARE ALL BETTER. If you are in the years of school age children/young adults, lean in and find your community of like minded and age friendly families. This is where your community blossoms and your growth in life happens. These are the people you will lean into and embrace the support always.
