The holidays can feel like emotional whiplash, can’t they? One minute you’re sitting in the quiet glow of twinkle lights, feeling oddly at peace, and the next you’re sobbing into a mug of cocoa because a song or ornament pulled the rug out from under your heart again.
If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath with me. You’re not doing grief wrong.
We spend a lot of time talking about how hard the holidays can be, and they are. They carry the weight of empty chairs and missing laughter, the ache of traditions that will never look the same. But sometimes, in between the ache and the tears, something unexpected happens: you feel okay. Maybe even…good.
And that, my friend, is allowed.
Why the Holidays Stir So Much Emotion
Our minds and bodies hold powerful emotional memory. The holidays, with all their sensory overload; the smells, songs, lights, tastes, act like an emotional time machine. Even when you’re not consciously thinking about your loss, your body remembers. The nervous system links past joy and pain together, and that’s why you can feel dread, nostalgia, peace, and gratitude all tangled together like a box of Christmas lights that refuses to untangle.
It’s not inconsistency, it’s being human. Your brain is simply trying to process old memories while creating new ones. That internal tug-of-war can leave you feeling unsteady, but it’s normal. You are not betraying your loved one by having moments of joy.
What’s Happening Inside You
When grief meets the holidays, your brain toggles between two systems:
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Survival Mode: where stress hormones like cortisol rise, your heart races, and you’re just trying to “get through it.”
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Soothing Mode: where oxytocin and dopamine whisper, “It’s okay to feel a little light.”
Your body can move between those states multiple times a day. It’s why you can cry in the morning and laugh later at a family dinner. This emotional pendulum swing is your nervous system regulating, doing its job.
The Gift of Unexpected Joy
Grief and joy can share the same space, they always have. The heart is wild enough to hold both. That moment you find yourself humming along to a carol or smiling at a funny memory doesn’t mean you’ve “moved on.” It means your heart is stretching, learning to make room for peace again.
So when you catch yourself feeling okay this season, resist the urge to question it. Don’t shrink it, don’t swat it away like it’s wrong. Instead, welcome it. You’ve earned every ounce of that okay.
How to Navigate the “Okay” Moments
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Let them exist. Feeling good is not forgetting. It’s healing.
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Say thank you. Whisper gratitude for the small moments of light — they’re signs that your heart still works.
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Celebrate smaller. You don’t have to host the feast or hang every light. Sometimes, quiet joy is enough.
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Remember without guilt. If you laugh, smile, or dance to Mariah Carey, your loved one isn’t rolling their eyes in disappointment. They’re cheering you on.
A Final Word: Compassion Over Criticism
This season, let grace lead the way. Grief is not a straight line; it’s more like a tangle of garland; messy, unpredictable, and full of glitter that sticks to everything.
If your emotions feel like a rollercoaster, that’s okay. The dips, the climbs, the surprises, they’re all part of how your body and soul are finding balance.
So when the unexpected joy sneaks in...let it. When peace feels possible...take it.
You deserve to feel light, even in the shadow of loss.
Because feeling okay doesn’t mean you’ve stopped grieving. It means you’re learning how to live again.