As I sat down to write, I didn't have anything specific in mind. I have a couple planned out blog ideas, but honestly, they just didn't feel right for this week. Not that I even have a "feel" for my blog, because I'm pretty sure I write all over the place! <insert laughter>.
I really just felt the desire to talk about the holiday's that are very fast approaching. There is NO turning back and there is NO getting around them. I honestly don't really like the holiday's anymore. I don't have the thrill, the joy, the excitement or any of those feelings that most people have. I lost all those when my son died. Now, DO NOT mistake me, I fake it big time and do what I have to do and have done all that I have to do for my daughter (and now my husband Chantz). I have always made sure Graci has a wonderful, actually the best, Christmas she should have. BUT, I do it with a huge lump of coal in my heart.
I also want to clarify that each year, it really does get better for me and the grinch inside of me, gets smaller and smaller. I think for me, I'm happy and good about the holidays about a month or so before hand, but you get me to now when we only have about 1 week and a few days until the thrill is here and then vanishes as fast as it came, I just want it to be over. Some of this actually may be me aging? I'm in that weird in between phase of life; I'm 51 years old and an empty nester. Maybe a lot of this will change when I have grandkids. Also, DO NOT get me wrong when I say any of this, because I do LOVE being around my family. I love family, I love the time we get together, I love just being, but I don't like the fanfare or all the hoopla of the holidays. It's something I just can't shake yet and I'm not sure when I will get there.
I take the biggest sigh and deep breath when Christmas is over. I love the new year and what all of it will bring. Isn't that kinda weird? I feel bogged down right now and I have ZERO focus on what I need to do and what I need to complete. I'm doing what I need to in every aspect of my life, but I'm not doing it with excitement or joy. I am blessed beyond measure, I do know that, but I think a lot of this is still just GRIEF, plain and simple grief.
I'd be curious if anyone else who has had losses, if you feel any of this? Is this just also normal for maybe a small business owner? Is it the combination of it all? Let me know if I'm a total weirdo or if I'm somewhat normal. It's like I'm not really even sad, I'm just snarky and done with it all. Maybe I am truly the grinch! LOL
Well, this was just a huge rambling of trash, but I am still going to share with you all. I have to get ready for a Holiday party tonight (kinda ironic), but I will go and participate, enjoy it I have no doubt, and get ready for another busy weekend of parties and life. My daughter gets home for Christmas break next week, so that will help and change my grinch mood immensely (or maybe she will push my buttons too)! hahahaha
So, I hope this was helpful for anyone else feeling the same way, without all of you and my followers, my readers, my friends, & family, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. Together WE are truly BETTER! So stick around, I'm almost done being a grinch and we can return to normal "grief" blogs that REALLY matter!!